In the Doldrums

First day of exams for me!!! As usual, they've managed to schedule a business paper and a computing paper on the same day. I presume it's to make our lives more difficult than it already is.

Sadly for the Financial Mgmt exam in the morning, I had an awful diarrhoea midway. I did half of the paper cringed up on the edge of my seat, in a completely pained state of mind, before i finally gave up and went to the toilet :( When i came back, i had half an hour to do almost half the paper! Luckily i pulled through in time, though i skipped a lot of workings. Well, these things happen. Anyway, i thought it was a crazy paper. Or maybe i just wasn't in my best condition.

Later in the afternoon was Computer Graphics, which had mostly pretty standard questions. After the nightmare earlier on, i had a rather tame time with this paper, quite satisfactory. I had no inkling whatsoever about what was going on for this module throughout the semester, so it's miraculous that everything asked within my knowledge :) Computing papers always tend to be set at an easier level, and a professor once told me it's to let locals like us pass! That's ...well, nice.

Well, that's two down, and two more to go.

23 years old!

Today is my birthday, as many people have reminded me :)

Thanks to T-grp who sneaked outside my room with much subtlety and celebrated my birthday at midnight! There were people from 3 generations of T og haha. The cake was choco-licious too.

And a very touched thanks to Jingyi and Maran, who came in the morning to deliver their cake and custom-made card!! Haha, it was really such a surprise. I am glad to have them as my closest course mates and friends in school :)

Still studying for SAP certification test tomo.

Down.

I remember being drunk.

Daring to be open. Showing emotions freely. Being yourself. And i miss the feeling.

Now everything just feels so pent up. So surreal that it feels like an identity switch.

Who is this person living my life now? Why is he doing this to me?

But i'm glad he handles all my commitments, all my duties oh so finely. He juggles all mystudies well, he does so much himself without showing a sign of weakness, always striving for the best decisions in the long term. Even though he won't be popular for it. Even though no one will even care two hoots about what he's done. But he perseveres. He thrives. The pressure just makes him stronger, stronger, stronger.

Not I. I feel like breaking down, but i can't do that now.

I want to give up, but i'm not allowed to do so.

I feel like crying out loud, but...

I forgot how.

And so i long.

I long and I long and I long for the moment when i can let everything down, when i owe nothing to anyone, when i can live my own life. Without a care in the world.

So please, let me change back to the soppy, wimpy, crybaby self that i was. Let me get back to a life where nothing mattered more than being happy and carefree.

Because this is taking over me.

And i feel sad...

So very, terribly sad.